I Could Never Forget You Tim
by blurd-vision
Summary: Tim Smith was my best friend. He was always so happy and so fun to be around. I could have never imagined that he would do this...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I'll say this once and for all. I do not own One Tree Hill, its characters and everything adjoined to it. One Tree Hill is property of the WB or something like that. However this story line is all mine. Not yours or anyone else's.

Thank you.

I wrote this story after reading the first few lines of someone else's and listening to _my immortal._ So note, this won't be a happy story.

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**I Could Never Forget You Tim**

The problems I never knew he had

I was still in such a state of shock that I couldn't cry or even be angry. It's like everything hadn't quite settled in my mind. I still expected him to come walking in the door and asking us why the long faces. I could hear him laugh at the sad looks on our faces. Then he'd make a joke about how we were looking through his private things. Then of course, in the Tim Smith way, he would laugh about 'private things'. But sadly, Tim wouldn't come walking in the door because he wasn't there. He was dead.

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"I can't believe he's really gone." Lucas said in disbelief as he tossed Tim's basketball shoes that he had signed for when he got famous into a keepsake box. Mrs. Smith said we could keep anything that might be of value to us.

"I can still hear him laughing." He added with a sigh.

Lucas, Brooke, Peyton, the team guys and me were all at the Smith home to help clean up Tim's things. Mrs. Smith had gladly accepted our help. She said that she couldn't possibly have found the strength to do it all herself. So we dealt with his room, while she, Peyton and Brooke prepared supper.

"You know the raven's team just won't be the same without him." Jake said numbly and we all agreed.

Lucas opened the closet doors and was engulfed by a mound of clothing and other random things. "We should get Whitey to retire his jersey number." Lucas said as he brushed a sock off his shoulder.

"We're gonna need a dumpster for all this stuff." I said as I went over to Lucas. I knelt down and started to help him roll up clothes and pile them neatly into a box.

Once we had finished with the mound of stuff, a half of an hour later, I went over to Tim's desk. In one of the drawers, there was a big book collection. _I didn't know Tim read this much._ I thought to myself as I picked up one of the books. I opened it up to the first page. It was his journal

"Guys check it out." I said and called for the others to crowd around. "I found a pile of old journals."

It was an interesting discovery because we had never really thought of him as a real person with emotions. He was just Tim. At first we had a little laugh. Ha ha Tim Smith keeps a diary. That is, until we read the first entry.

_4-30-1997_

_It was my birthday today. Nobody remembered. I guess they were all too caught up in the move to remember me. Sometimes, I wonder if they actually do give a rat's ass about me. Steve said they don't. I HATE him. He's so mean to me. Even more to Jessie. He hurts her. I'm gonna kill him! I swear I'll do it._

_Anyway, so today we're moving from LA to One Tree Hill. What kind of a name is that? Uh! I don't want to go. I hate my mother! She thinks that if we move away, our problems will stay behind._

_They won't!_

"Woah." Jake muttered fearfully, speaking for all of us. We all looked at each other. We were speechless. "I feel horrible." He whispered loudly. We all silently agreed. There was obviously a lot more below the surface of Tim Smith than anyone had really thought.

"Who would have known that he felt like that? I mean… he seemed so happy."

I began to think about that and about him. I was his best friend, how did I not see it coming? How could I have missed everything? But as I looked back, the only signs about this were things that you could only realize if you were in his mind. Or if you were looking back and searching for them like I was.

"I never saw it coming." I said blankly. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, followed by another and another. I felt a few warm hands on my back as I folded in half, my head resting on my knees. I felt my body shake viciously as I sobbed loudly.

It's like when you've poured your glass so full of water that there's a little dome of water at the top. The slightest bump would cause it to overflow. That's how I felt. It had finally sunk in. My best friend was dead. He was gone.

"I want him back!" I cried out through tears and sobs. "Why?" I yelled. "Why God? Give me back my friend! Give him back!" I felt Lucas drawing me to his chest and the circle of silently crying basketball players closed tightly around me.

I could feel their sadness and mine. It echoed through the silence of Tim's bedroom.

As I listened to myself cry, I thought back. Almost everyday, I would hear about some party he was going to. And every night, he would drink himself into to a realm of forget. If only I had reached out and was there with him to get through the problems I never knew he had.

Sometimes, in the change room, when he thought nobody was looking, I could see a release of stress and pain. But of course, I thought nothing of it. I figured he was just tired and worn out from the practice.

If only I had known. Or if he had just said something. Anything. Then I wouldn't be curled up in my brother's arms, crying over my dead friend.

Then he would still be there.

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Well? Please review.

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Freedom itself was attacked this morning, by a faceless coward. Freedom will be defended.

-George W. Bush (after the attack of 9-11)


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to all of you who reviewed. It makes me feel so special to read your reviews. I love you all!

Othandscottluver- that's so cool that that's your birthday. I just picked a totally random date. That's so neat.

HipHopper92- Thank you so much

B- I'm uber happy to hear that it has depth you know. That's exactly what I'm going for. Thanks

LostAngel12- Thank you. I love Tim too.

P- to be honest, my reasons for writing this are slightly unknown. I got inspiration from a couple songs, so I just went with it.

Melodie568- I'm glad to hear you want to read more. And I warned you at the beginning it would be sad.

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**I could never forget you Tim**

II It's all in there 

When I got home that night, I was in no mood to talk. Even so, my mom came in to try to start conversation. I wasn't very polite. At all.

"How are you Nate?" She asked cautiously as she sat down on the side of my bed. I expected her to repeat herself but she didn't, she just sat there silently.

I didn't want to speak to her. I didn't even want to look at her and see the concerned look on her face. My eyes burned. They were probably so bloodshot that they were red. And my throat still ached. It felt like I had swallowed a golf ball and it was lodged in my throat.

"I'm fine. Just go away." I said angrily, my voice cracking.

I felt her hand on my bare shoulder. It was so cold it made me jump. "Nathan, I know you're angry, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I just want

"Just go away!" I yelled, cutting her off in mid-sentence. I could imagine the rejected hurt look that I had come to know well. I wanted to apologize but when I opened my mouth no words came out. I felt her hand slide off my shoulder as she leaned towards me and lightly dabbed my cheek with a kiss.

"Thank you." I whispered quietly.

"Leftovers from tonight's supper are on the counter if you get hungry." She said before leaving.

I could hear her talking to my father. Even though I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying, I could hear her sobbing. I imagined that she collapsed into him and he wrapped his arms around her. It almost disgusted me at how fake he was.

Out of frustration and pure anger, I picked up my alarm clock and chucked it at my door as hard as I could. With the force, the plastic clock fell apart and scattered its pieces across the room. I buried my head in my arms and cried again.

But to my surprise, there was nothing. My well of sorrow had run dry. "How could you do this to me Tim?" I yelled as loud as I could manage. Then whispered, "How could you?"

I reached down to grab a tissue from my coat pocket and a stiff board met my hand. In confusion, I pulled it out and found that it was Tim's journal. I must have grabbed it without thinking. I looked at the cover. He had written his full name in neat cursive letters, then signed the bottom corner. I laughed when I saw he had written his jersey number beside his signature. He signed just about everything like that.

"Why did you do this Tim?" I asked him. I could see him sitting on the bed in front of me. He was fiddling with a couple elastics he had found on my floor.

"Tim?" I asked and he looked up at me. His face was pale and his eyes were bloodshot. He had been crying. His face was the saddest I'd ever seen. It was really the first time I'd ever seen him not smiling or laughing. He seemed numb, completely deaden.

"You seemed so happy. What was really going on? What were you hiding?" I asked.

He just stared at me. Then nodded to his journal, and whispered, "It's all in there."

And before I knew it, he was gone. "Come back! Don't leave me here alone! Come back… please." I added in a whisper.

I looked down at his journal and opened to the first page.

_November 22 2005_

_I walked down the hall at Tree Hill high wearing the same mask I have since grade school. Happy, absent-minded Tim. Pretending to be someone I wasn't. It wasn't the easiest thing for me to do, but I didn't know what else to do. Wearing that mask made my life so much more pleasant. For me as much for my friends. The only problem was keeping it up. Masks like that didn't just stay on. No, you had to keep up your guard to make sure it doesn't just fall off._

_If people found Tim Smith not acting like, well… Tim Smith, suspicion would arise. I'd get questions that, deep down, I wish people would ask. God, how I long for just one person to look deeper and ask if there was something wrong or something bothering me._

"_Hey Tim! Party tonight after the game?" Nathan yelled over all the other voices in the crowded hallway. He made his way through the crowd to stand beside me._

"_You know it." I said enthusiastically._

"_Good. Nikki's house." Nathan slapped me over the shoulder and walked away to his class. "I'll see you at practice man!"_

"_Can't wait." I said sarcastically, under my breath._

_As much as I enjoy practice, it's going home after that that I hate. I hate this place. Although, I guess I'm lucky in the sense that I do have a place to live and all that. But I bet people in Africa don't have to worry Greg._

_I have to claim that I just get into fights at parties so that I don't get in further trouble with him. And my mom don't even care. I hate her too._

_So anyway, that day was pretty short. I didn't get much homework. Just a little math. Meh. At practice, I did well. Whitey even said so. He said that he really appreciates the heart I put into it. He said that because of that I could play offense for the game tonight. It was probably just because Lucas couldn't make it, but I'm taking it as a complement._

_I did good! Greg was actually pleased with me tonight. Today was actually pretty good. Oh I gotta go, Jessie had a nightmare. She's standing in my doorway._

_Tim Smith _

"Nate!" My dad yelled. "Haley's on the phone!"

It took me a minute to realize what was going on. Why was Haley calling me now? I had gotten so into Tim's journal I forgot where I was. "Hurry up!" My dad added when I didn't pick up the phone.

"Hello?" I said answering it. Instantly, I heard a hang up. "Haley?"

"I'm still here. That was your dad." She assured me. I sighed. "Luc called me this morning. He told me about Tim." There was a pause and I wasn't sure if she was still there. "How are you?"

I held back a sob. "Not too good. I just don't understand why. Why would he do this Haley? Why?" I heard someone yelling at her in the background. She covered the phone with her hand. "One minute!" I heard her say.

"I'm really sorry Nathan but I have to go. Please just hold in there. I'll come down to as soon as I can. I promise. I really have to go. I'm sorry, I love you."

Before I could even say goodbye, she had hung up. I assumed that it wasn't her because I knew she wouldn't do that to me.

Although, then again, I thought Tim wouldn't… couldn't do this to me. But he did.

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So?

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If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew.

- Disney's Pocahontas


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all so much for the reviews! It's so great to hear what you have to say. And Greg is Tim's stepfather

To Laine7727 thank you for the info, but this is my story and I guess I've switched it around. I'm sure you can deal just fine. I hope you enjoy it.

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**Why him?**

III  
At least when I'm sleeping...

_November 23 2005_

_Today wasn't so great. From the moment I woke up to just about 10 minutes ago, life has been hell. Why is everything so hard for me? Why can't I just wake up one morning and find that Greg left our lives. That him and all the other jerks my mom had dated never actually existed._

_I would go downstairs, and at the kitchen table would be Jessie sitting with my dad who'd be reading the paper. My mom would welcome me the instant I stepped into the kitchen and my dad would lift his head from the newspaper, smile and ask me how I slept._

_But that's all a load of crap. Dad died almost 9 years ago. Exactly nine years in a few days. I always told myself I wouldn't die the same way he did, that I would survive my pain. But now, I understand how he felt. If things don't get better within the next week, Dad and I will have died on the same day, November 30._

_I stopped when I read that. Tim had told me that the morning of the 30th. When he told me I just kind of stared at him blankly and laughed uncomfortably. We had been in the middle of conversation when he just blurted it out._

_I didn't even say something about it. I just moved on like it was nothing._

_This morning, I woke up to Greg yelling at me. I felt like crap. My head ached from last night. Once again, I've drunk my problems away. Jeez I hate my mother for something that I do. That hurts. Anyway, so when I finally got out of bed, Greg was standing stiffly in my doorway._

_He was yelling stuff at me, I don't know what because I wasn't listening. Apparently, I was wasting his time and I should appreciate it that he takes time out of his day to wake me up. God, he annoys me._

_"You know what Greg?" I said to him as I stood right in his face. "I would appreciate it if you didn't wake me up. I don't need you."_

_He was angry. I could almost feel him fuming. He just stared at me, his lip curled up in disgust. He spat on the ground beside him then socked me across the face. I fell back on the ground and he just walked away from my room like nothing had happened._

_When I got downstairs, Jessie was crying. She wouldn't tell me what had happened. Then I found out that we had nothing left to eat. No cereal, no bread, no fruits or veggies. Nothing. My tummy grumbled, but I knew I could last until I could get something from Nathan at school._

_I stole his sandwich when he was talking to Lucas._

_He didn't even notice. I just told him that he had left it on the counter when he packed his lunch. Ha. That was probably the only good part of today. In class, Mr. Gilfoyle got me in trouble for not handing in my essay, which, for the record, I did. He said that if he doesn't have it in his hands at the beginning of school tomorrow I could say goodbye to basketball for the rest of the month. So now I have to rewrite it._

_It won't be too long. After the Gilfoyle incident, everything went pretty smooth. Until lunch that is._

_For lunch, we sat in the cafeteria. I sat in between Nathan and Jake. We were talking and laughing and just having a good time. But it wasn't long before the big bruise on my cheek had darkened._

_"What happened Tim?" Peyton asked from across the table. She was staring so concernedly at me, I just had to laugh._

_"Oh This?" I asked, lightly placing my hand on my left cheek._

_"No other side."_

_I felt suddenly stupid, but laughed it off along with the other guys. "Well," I began as I thought of some bull shit story. "Last night, at the party, I was just getting out of the bathroom, when I saw a guy all scrouched down. He had his hands on both his cheeks and he was puking his guts out._

_"So I asked him if he was ok. Then he looked at me. His eyes were totally red. Demon-like you know? So I asked him again if he was ok then he swore something and socked me right across the face." I was amused by my story. I always am._

_"I don't remember that." Nathan stated. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on with a conversation._

_All was fine until, from out of nowhere, some stupid ninth grader came up behind me and punched me over the head. I was so shocked I jumped out of my seat and whirled around. I was stunned when I saw it was a girl._

_"You've got a good punch girl." I said rubbing the back of my head. "What do you want?" I asked when she just stood there stubbornly. I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen then signed my name. "No pictures please, just autographs."_

_I looked back at the guys and laughed. When I looked back at her, she spat on me. "What the hell do you want?" I said angrily. She glared at me. "What?"_

_"I just thought I'd wish you a happy fatherhood." She said bitterly before turning on her heels and beginning to walk away._

_A few guys stepped up behind me as I gripped her arm. "Look little girl! Go tell your master to come and talk to me! I don't answer to messengers." She stuck her tongue out at me, pushed me back and scurried away._

_The rest of my classes that day were so long and boring, I would have rather watched a turtle walk through the Sahara desert. And that's saying a lot cause turtles walk really slow and the Sahara is really big. Although, if the turtle took a speedboat down the Nile, that might pass time a little._

_Is the Nile even in the Sahara… it's not._

_By the time practice came, I thought I would die of boredom. I had a pounding headache and I felt like I was going to puke. "You're probably just bored." I told myself as I changed into my jersey and shorts. Just as I slipped off my pants, Nathan and the other guys came barging in._

_"Hey Tim how's your head?" Jake joked._

_"I hear voices…" I stopped and pretended to listen to them. "Yeah, yeah okay I'll tell him." I stuck up my middle finger and laughed at him._

_At practice, Whitey was in a snappy mood. We had just stretched and run laps and were then standing in a line staring at him as we breathed heavily. He was lecturing us about how we were STUDENT athletes and how our performance in the game was highly effected by our performance in school._

_I knew that he was mainly talking to me._

_"PMS?" Nathan whispered with a quiet laugh._

_"I'm thinkin menopause." I joked. We both laughed. Whitey must have hypersensitive hearing or something because I swear I whispered that._

_"You wanna repeat that so everyone can laugh Mr. Smith?" He said angrily._

_"No sir." I whispered. The other guys laughed._

_"Take your places. Scrimmage." He yelled and we all took our places. He explained some things, then tossed up the ball._

_Nathan was on the other team, but when he bumped the ball it landed right in my hands. "Thanks Nate." I laughed and dribbled away._

_Whitey stopped us every so often to explain what not to do in that situation and a way to avoid it. But I think we were doing better than usual because we played for almost 15 minutes straight without interruption. When he finally interrupted to give Lucas (and the rest of us) a pointer, the score was 29-19. In my team's favor of course._

_"Luc!" I yelled as I passed the ball to him. Nathan ran by and caught the ball then headed down court. Him and Jake passed it back and forth. I was right on Nate's heels when he jumped to score. I jumped up behind him and managed to bump the ball away from the net._

_Nathan grunted in frustration, as gravity played its part. Unfortunately, gravity wasn't on my side. Nate and I were so close that when coming down, I slipped slightly under him and… well long story short, I fell first, falling with my ankle under me. I was alright until Nate fell on top of me._

_My ankle twisted weird and the crack was so loud that Whitey, at half court, heard it._

_Doc said that if I'm good (whatever that means) I'll be able to play in two months. That's like forever! Well, I guess Mr. Gilfoyle got his wish. He's just out to get me._

_As if that wasn't bad enough, when I got home, at like 5:30 (apparently my injury wasn't 'urgent' enough) Greg began nagging me about how I was being stupid, that it was all my fault and then that… oh I don't even remember. I don't know why I put up with him. I can't wait to get away from him._

_I am so tired. Painkillers do have their downsides. At least when I'm sleeping I can't be miserable._

_ Tim Smith_

Rereading the basketball scene and realizing how much it really was my fault made me feel even worse than I had before. And above that, that Greg bugged Tim about it all being his fault. I could see why he wanted to escape that crazy man.

I just began to wonder how Jessica would hold up or if she would end up like her father and brother and likely her mother. I decided I would try and get her out of that home.

"Oh Tim. If only you could see how much your mother actually misses you. She actually does love you, man." I looked down at his writing. It was so neat and legible in his journal, the exact opposite of how it was in everything else.

"I miss you so much. I just wish you had said something. We wouldn't have laughed or turned our backs. We would have helped you. God, I wish I could just go back in time and save you."

I sighed and turned the page. There was a poem that he had evidently written in math class. Who'd have guessed that Tim Smith could write poetry?

Oh, I just found this in my pocket. I wrote in math class today.

_My eyelids weeping  
__Falling down  
__Dark surrounds me  
__Sleeping sound.  
__Drifting off  
__I rest my head  
__Tired, lonely  
__Death I wed.  
__My life collapses  
__Body falls  
__Into darkness  
__Life recalls.  
__Tears of joy  
__And that of not  
__Wept for me,  
__The fight I fought.  
__Now left for  
__Eternal sleep  
__My friends go off  
__At home to weep.  
__And I stay here  
__Wondering when  
__My dear friends  
__I'll see again. _

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Please review.

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It takes a man to be brave, but a brave man to admit that he is not

- Meg White


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks guys for reviewing. It's kind of neat, because so many people say that they think Tim is putting up a mask in the show. It's funny that everyone really thinks the same about that. Maybe something will come up about him this season. (fingers crossed)

P, the journal is actually Tim's it's just Nate who's telling the story and with the girl, the autograph was just something stupid that Tim did and what the girl said, well you'll catch on later. Greg is Tim's stepfather, he lives with him and his mama. I switched it to fit my story line(also cause I didn't know it was the other way around.) : D. The fights at parties are what Tim claims that happened so no one suspects the anything about Greg his abusive stepfather.  
The songs of "inspiration" are My immortal by Evanescance and Concrete Angel by Martina McBride (hopefully that answers all of your inquiries)

Special thanks to Melodie568 and B. I wrote the poem at the end and actually did it during math class.

Mony19, I agree Nathan is a jerk to Tim in the show

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**I could never forget you Tim**

**IV  
**If only it was that easy

By the time I'd finished reading the 23rd of November entry, I was wiped. Even though it was only 7 o'clock on a Friday night, I was out the instant my head hit the pillow. I woke up the next day to birds chirping and my dad banging on my door.

"What?" I asked groggily as I wiped my eyes. I stumbled to my feet and made my way to the door. "What do you want?"

The look on my dad wore was like having cold water spilled on my face. "Why did you lock your door?" He asked sternly. I stepped backwards as his glare burned through me.

"I didn't want to talk to anyone. Uh! I'm not in the mood to talk to you." I went to shut the door, but he held it open. For a minute, we just stared at each other. "Just leave me alone." I said walking away and plopping down on my bed.

"Do you know what time it is?" I shook my head. "It's 12 o'clock and you've been asleep since at least 8 last night. Your mother was… is worried sick. You have no idea how hard this is for her."

"It's hard for her? My best friend just killed himself! This is hard for me! God, this has nothing to with her! She has no business in this. Just tell her to butt out of it!" I sighed heavily in frustration.

"This is as much her business and mine as it is yours. You're our son and the problems you're going through affect us just as much. So don't get off telling me it's not our business!"

I felt tears fall down my cheeks. "Just get the &$ out of my room!" I yelled, then threw a picture frame at him. "Just get away form me!" I looked over at him and saw Haley hiding behind him holding the picture. It was one of Tim and me. The frame had broken and the glass was shattered on my floor.

"Haley?" I asked and my dad stepped away. He looked at me one last time before leaving the room.

She looked at me. I saw that she had been crying. She ran to me, dropped the photo on my bed and leapt into my arms. "I was so worried Nathan. I got here at 11 o'clock last night. Your mom and dad said that you had been asleep for hours and that your door was locked. Oh Nate I'm so glad you're okay."

I couldn't say anything. I could only cry again. I'm surprised that I didn't die of dehydration because of all the tears I had shed. Haley rubbed my back and tried to reassure me. I'm not sure how long we sat there. I don't want to know. But it felt like forever.

"I missed you so much." I said and kissed her.

"I missed you too." She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "I'm so sorry about last night. One of the directors was getting impatient and he hung up the phone before I could say goodbye. I'm sorry Nate. How are you holding up?"

I looked away from her and looked at Tim's journal. "Horribly." She laughed lightly and so did I. "I found Tim's journal. I started reading some last night."

"I never really thought of Tim as the kind of guy that would keep a diary."

"There's a lot of things about him you'd have never thought." I said and picked it up. "The real Tim Smith is a lot different from what everybody thought. He had quite the miserable life. Underneath it all, he was really hurting."

I could see a tear fill her eye. "I would have never guessed."

"Me neither, me neither." I drew her into my arms. "I'm hungry." I whispered in her ear.

She laughed. "Me too. Let's have some lunch… or breakfast."

"Brunch. Then I'll read you some of the journal. If you want." I added quickly. I wanted to read the rest of it, but I didn't think I had the strength to read it all alone.

_November 25 2005_

_I haven't done anything in the past two days. I stayed home from school both yesterday and today. Yesterday, I puked up half of my insides. Well not really, but it was still a lot. Today, I just laid on the couch, watched some tv and attempted to read a book. _

_I don't like books. They're too long. Magazines don't count as books do they?_

_Today on All My Children, Greenlee was wondering if Ryan was alive. I don't know the whole story, but apparently Ryan pretended to kill himself by jumping of a cliff in his car. And he didn't want to go back to Greenlee because she's pregnant or something like that. And then, after turning good, Johnathan went back to his old ways with drinking and being a jerk._

_Soap operas are stupid and the actors suck. I much prefer stupid comedies. So then on, One Life to Live, John has this secret about some man that he ran over with his car and he's afraid to tell anyone because they think that someone else did it. And he's just going crazy. Like he thinks that people are following him and want to arrest him._

_Then there's Ginger who has a secret too. Her and Todd are dating and… oh my God, this is not healthy. Ok so back to the real world. _

_If I had written this in pencil I could erase it. Oh well._

_So yeah, when Greg got home he began to yell at me, saying that he's been working all day. And because I've been home for the past two days, that I should start pulling my weight. Then he told me to go make some supper. I refused for obvious reasons._

_So he began to whine. "Ugh, I work all day to get money so you and your little brat sister can eat and I don't get anything in return. And here you are, watching tv all day. You don't even thank me for supporting you. You ungrateful bastard."_

"_You don't support me or Jessie or my mother. You use the money that you earn to buy drinks for people you don't even know!" I began to mutter swear words at him and he got real angry._

"_Get off your lazy butt, get in the kitchen and start supper! Your mother won't be home until late. So if you want to eat get in that dump and cook like a good little girl." He laughed and fell into his chair like a fat sack of rotten potatoes. "GO!"_

_I wasn't in the mood to argue further, so I went into the kitchen and began smacking a frying pan at random things around he kitchen, the fridge, the counter the table… It was pointless but very relieving. I looked for a can of soup. Greg hates soup. For once, there was a decent amount to choose from. Mom must've done the last grocery shopping. I decided to make tomato soup with noodles. _

_It was good. And a lot of fun to piss Greg off. After supper, I grabbed a couple cookies and went up to my room and I've been here ever since._

_Tomorrow I'm not going to school, but I will the day after that. I'm not tired right now so I'm just gonna listen to music and watch the empty streets. I don't know why but it's really relaxing. Mom will probably come in to say goodnight when she gets home. I'll likely be sleeping on the windowsill by that time._

_I almost always fall asleep there and wake up in my bed. I don't know how she does it, but she manages to move me from the window to my bed without waking me up._

_Tim Smith_

"I would have never guessed." Haley said when I closed the book. I just looked at her and I could tell that she and I were thinking the same thing. "I wonder why he never said anything."

"He was afraid." I answered as if he had told me personally. Something inside me felt like he had. "He didn't know how we would react. God, I wish he'd said something. I miss him so much. You know Haley, as much as he annoyed me sometimes, I'd give away everything I have and live on the streets if it would bring him back.

Haley sighed. "If only it was that easy."

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Okay so kind of short, but I hope you liked it. Please REVIEW.

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WE must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools

-Martin Luther Kind jr.


	5. Chapter 5

P, the season premiere is September 23rd. and the second season premiere (who knows why) was the 12th of September. And yes indeed, Tim is sick. When you wrote ?s is was thinking like what? is she thanking me for answering her question marks, then it clicked. 

PrincessSparkel15, I too enjoy Tim's darkness. Thanks for reviewing!

Mony19, I agree Nate should have been a better friend. Indeed 'tis too late.

And melodie568, it is always a pleasure to hear from you and read your reviews.

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**I Could Never Forget You Tim**

**V  
**Someone as special as me

_November 29 2005 _

_Ok so it's been 4 days, but we had an out of town game two nights in a row. I went along for encouragement. They lost both times. By a lot. I claim that they're loosing because I'm not playing. Whitey got angry and yelled at me. He said that I'm being an (enter vulgar word here) towards the other guys and he said that if I keep on acting like that, he won't allow me to come along on the out of town games._

_The… 26 I fell asleep before supper and woke up at about midnight then fell back asleep until the next morning. School has been no better or worse than usual. I've been slacking off though. I have no point in putting effort into my schoolwork. I'll be gone tomorrow anyway._

_In a way, I don't wanna go. Here, I've got it planned out. If someone does something to change my mind before practice tomorrow I won't do it. If not then I'll have to say goodbye to everyone. Well, at least all the important people. I think everyone will just be better off without me around. I know Greg and Mr. G will be._

_I wonder who'll miss me. Probably Nate and Jessie. My mom definitely won't. I wish she cared about me, maybe I'd stay around. Maybe. I'm already gone anyway. I feel like nothing right now. Nobody cares, nobody ever will. I've spent so long planning this. I've gone through so many different ways to go about doing it and finally figured out the best way._

_I got my hands on Greg's gun that he likely wants to shoot me with. He'll get his wish. I'd explain my plan but I don't feel like it. It's all in my head. That's kind of like a… a foreshadowing. Mr. G talks about that all the time when we read stories in class. You know in the way that the plan is all in my head and the bullet will be in my head. Maybe I did learn something from him. _

_I have to write a letter to Nate and Jessie. I'm gonna put Jessie's letter under her pillow. And I'll put Nate's in his gym bag._

_I wonder what that kid was talking about the other day. Wishing me a happy fatherhood. Oh no. Fatherhood, that means I'm gonna be a father. But who? I don't remember doing it with anyone. Oh my God, it must be that Marie-Theresa girl. She's hot. But that's not the point._

_Well… She'll probably do better without me. I hope._

I stopped suddenly and burst into tears again. I just wished that someone had found this before he succeeded in killing himself.

"That poor kid." Haley said, her voice shaking. "His child will grow up with a father who killed himself before she, or he, was born." Haley remarked laying her arm over my shoulders. Even though she's so much smaller than I, I felt like a child in her arms. I felt so protected and safe; like she would fight of all of the dangers and nightmares that came after me.

I thought about the letter. I remembered seeing a letter in my bag and thinking it was just from a teacher or something. I went and grabbed it from my bag then sat back down beside Haley. I was still sobbing.

Once I had gathered myself, I looked down and saw there was still more. I turned to the next page. It was blank. I felt terrible that no one had done something to make him want to not go through with his plan. I looked back at the page, breathed in and started reading again.

_I know I just said I wasn't going to write down my plan but I've got nothing better to do. So during the day I'll say goodbye to everyone. I'll tell Brooke how much I'll miss her and tell her how I've loved her for so many years. Then I'll give her my class ring, and tell her to keep it safe. I'll tell her to never ever, ever forget me, then I'll kiss her cheek and watch a confused tear fall down her cheek._

_At the end of the day, I'll stop by home and slip Jessie's letter under her pillow. I'll leave a little sticky note to tell my mom and Greg that I'm leaving for a long time and that I'm going to a better place where they can't hurt me and where people will love me_

_Then I'll go back to school. _

_By that time, the guys will be in the gym practicing. I'll go to the change room and put Nathan's letter in his gym bag. I'll likely cry a bit. Or a lot, we'll see. I have the gun in my bedside table. I'll grab it when I come home for Jessie._

_I'll hide the gun in my coat pocket. Once I've put the letter in Nate's bag, I'll stand in front of my locker and lean against it so that I'm sitting against it when I'm dead. I'll put the gun on my right temple. That's significant because, for me, this is the right thing to do. I'll grip the gun tightly and pull the trigger._

_The guys in the gym will hear the shot. They'll be a little scared. A few or all of them will come to the change room and find me lying limp in front of my locker, with the gun clenched in my hand. I hope they'll miss me._

_Tim Smith._

I looked down at the envelope in my hand, then up to Haley. She silently encouraged me to open it. I gathered the last of my strength and ripped the envelope open. There was his letter and another envelope addressed to Marie-Theresa.

_Dear Nate,_

_Hey bud. I hope you're doing alright without me. I gotta apologize, I'm sure you miss me, but well dude I miss you too. Just understand Nate that I feel better not being there._

_Life is just too hard. I'm living a life that has been destroying me for a long time. I can't stand to live on with my mother and all the jerks she brings home._

_People don't see me for who I am. All they see is the happy go lucky, stupid Tim. They don't understand or realize that behind that there's a suffering Timothy James Smith. That sounds kind of stupid but you know what I'm saying._

_I know that you're thinking of a hundred and one reasons of how you could have "saved" me. But dude this would have happened no matter what. And I know that you guys would have helped me and supported me if I had come through with all of it. It's just too hard. I've become such a good liar and deceiver I've begun to hate myself._

_Just remember that you're my best friend and that none of this is your fault. I love you man and promise me you'll never meet someone as special as me. Except Haley of course._

_Thanks for being my friend and just well being my best bud. Now before closing off I just want you to do three things for me. Stay with Haley and never let her go, she loves you man and I know you love her more than anything. Stay friends with Lucas. You guys are both so cool and you've got the most screwed up dad EVER, so just stick together and endure through him TOGETHER! Last of all, save me a place at your real wedding, (I know that you're already married. I'm not stupid. But have like a real wedding for your families and all that jazz.) I know I won't actually be there in… body (?) but, I'll be there in spirit._

_Oh make this four things, give the other letter to Marie-Theresa. Read it and tell me if it sounds stupid. Whether or not just give it to her._

_Thanks man. I love you and… don't forget me,_

_Tim Smith_

I looked up and I could see Tim smiling down on me. "I won't forget you. I could never forget you Tim."

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The End 

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What did you think?

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Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

- ?


	6. Please Read This!

**SUICIDE WARNING!**

If someone you know does one or more of the following:

-talks or writes about suicide  
-has dramatic mood swings  
-isolates him or herself, especially from loved ones and activities he or she used to -enjoy  
-engages in risky behaviors, like speeding, shoplifting, or fighting  
-drastically increases alcohol or drug use

He or she could possibly be at risk for suicide. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at **800-273-TALK** to speak to a trained counselor, who can help you talk to your friend.

Suicide is the **third **leading cause of death for people between 15-24, surpassed by only accidents and homicides.

Girls think about suicide twice as much as boys and usually attempt by overdosing on drugs or by cutting themselves. Boys however, die from suicide 4 times more than girls, probably because they use more lethal methods such as firearms, hanging or jumping from heights.

Other warnings can be:

-talk about suicide or death in general  
-talk about "going away"  
-talk about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty  
-have trouble concentrating or thinking clearly  
-experience changes in eating or sleeping habits  
-self-destructive behavior (drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or driving too fast, for example)

Suicide can be often committed after stressful events, such as: a perceived failure at school, a breakup with a girl or boyfriend, a death of a loved one, a divorce, or a major family conflict.

If you suspect that someone you know is suicidal **act quickly**.

**Get help immediately** and talk to that person!


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